You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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