Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
