Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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