i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
