We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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