she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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