It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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