apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
