At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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