I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
