I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
