I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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