I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
