end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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