I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
