You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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