I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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