When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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