we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
