I met the friendliest cop last night
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
