he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
