So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
