i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
