I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Randomize
