I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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