He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize