A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
