She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
sarcasm needs its own font
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
