see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize