Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
