How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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