shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize