My boss' voice literally gives me gas
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
