I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
