I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
