My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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