I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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