guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
