I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
