This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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