He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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