Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Randomize
