I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
