Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize