The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
