i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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