Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
