We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
