I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
