Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
