I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
