I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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