i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
