So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
