Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
