there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
