How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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