I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize