Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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