Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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