if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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