Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Randomize
