the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
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