today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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