when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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