fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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