nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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