...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
