please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize