This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
